Mel Scarlet
The following is a series of extracts from: "I Shall Rule the World and Eat Pie Off Your Naked Body" the autobiography of Mel Scarlet, volumes 1, 2, and 3.
"It all begins with my dear old great
granddaddy, who I sadly never got to meet.
Though, I'm sure I would have loved him all
night long. He was a fine scientist, some of you
may know of him, he was: Dick Bader. Sure he
was a chemist, and not too skilled with cloning
(a matter of fact, they didn't have real cloning
when he was alive). This however, is
unimportant, as he used the old fashioned means
of procreation to make my granddad. Granted,
he must have been piss-drunk or something,
since his wife isn't my great grandmother.
"Anyway: my grandfather worked his way up from jack-shit. Sure his mommy was a damn fine ho, but in those days it didn't pay much. He eventually got a girlfriend, who had a son (my dad) and was able to get him into all the prestigious schools. Taught my dad a lot. Made him the foremost on cloning technology for a while. He actually lead the teams that invented most of the technology I now take for granted.
"Then on that fated night, after drinking one beer too many, my dad made me! On a dare from one of his subordinates he cloned himself. The next day, when the hung-over scientists awoke to the morning light fluttering in through the light-well in their underground, government run sub-structure, they discovered me.
"After years of tests and whatnot, they eventually figured I was
indeed a clone of my dad, and a grade-fucking-A one at that. They
intended to initiate a program for cloning military goons, but I felt I had to
voice my moral objection. I killed the lot of them and took the lab to be my
own.
"Eventually the feds found out and tried to seize my stronghold, but I proved too much for their tactical officers and marines. I created an army of me and armed then with make-shift implements of war. After seeing all this on their security cameras, the government decided to hire me.
"I laboured for a few years, making biologically engineered military weapons. Eventually the government collapsed and I stopped receiving funding. I ended up being forced to eat most of my clones to stay alive. A damn horrible waste if you ask me, but it was necessary for my survival.
"It was about this time that I discovered Headless Joe. He was a remarkable specimen. Capable of sustaining life without having his head attached to his body. I studied him for months, to no avail, but he did give me an idea.
"I would make my future clones a hybrid between some of my finest
biological devices and my own DNA. They would be nothing but head!
A stroke of pure genius, to be sure, and most of them are still alive and
kicking (figuratively, of course).
"These sons of mine are my would-be chariots to world domination, except they all want to rule the world themselves. Pity, I'll have to kill them if they get in my way.
"Then, there were the monkeys. Those damn, horrid monkeys. I never should have fiddles
with sub-human DNA, it was a stupid idea straight from the start. Those freaks ruined my lab and
are plotting the death of all human scientists. At least I made a good
impression on them . . .
"And let's not forget that moaning bitch, Vin. I made him to be a love slave. Named him after my favourite movie hunk. And what does do all day long? Tell me I'm making mistakes by toying with the powers of God! I swear, if he wasn't such a gad damn nice lay, I'd have smote his ass already.
"This is my life thus far, in a nut shell. Please purchase my next book to read about the furthering exploits of my genius mind."